Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Pot Plant
by llama-child
Summary: An extremely random parody. Dumbledore in a bikini. Psychotic dogs blowing up Voldemort. You have been warned.
1. The Evil Conspiracy of the Owls

Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Pot Plant 

_Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it, JK Rowling does. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here, I'd be off being a millionaire. Funny, that, ay? But I do own the irrelevant pot plant huggles pot plant and looks around suspiciously ___

_Author's note: OK people this is my first (and quite possibly only) attempt at a parody. Lame jokes ahead. You have been warned. Prepare yourself for serious randomness. Oh, and this is on the book, not the movie_

**  
****The Evil Conspiracy of the Owls**

The Dursley family lived at number four Privet Drive. A very boring street address, just like them. Vernon and Petunia Dursley were basically Jack Sprat and his wife in reverse (that is, Petunia was the one who could eat no fat, and Vernon could eat no lean ... and obviously the whole gender thing was reversed ... and since Petunia did the cooking, one would suppose they both eat fat AND lean ... wait a sec ... slaps self across the face in an attempt to refrain from spending a whole chapter blabbering on about some nursery rhyme) ANYWAY the Dursleys had a son called Dudley. They also had a rather large pot plant out the front with red flowers on it, but that is irrelevant.

"Hey!" said Petunia. "Why do we have a pot plant? It wasn't there yesterday!"

"I dunno," said Baby Dudley, even though he couldn't talk yet. "Ask the author."

"Hey, author!" yelled Petunia. "WHAT IS WITH THE POT PLANT? WHY IS IT HERE??"

"Because," I said triumphantly. "It is irrelevant. And it fits in nicely with the title."

"But –" said Petunia, but then she had to stop talking because Vernon was sticking a fork in the toaster, and she needed to make sure it still worked. The toaster, not Vernon.

Being so boring and normal, the Dursleys led a very boring and normal life. In fact they were so boring and normal that they completely freaked out at anything that was not as boring and normal as them and their boring and normal lives. Which was why that, one day, when Vernon saw owls (yes, you heard right: actual, living, breathing, farting OWLS) he chucked a complete wobbly about how owls should not be out in the daytime. So Vernon goes off to work and cue scary music sees ANOTHER OWL. OH MY GOD. THE OWLS HAVE AN EVIL CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE AND WANT TO ANNIHILATE US ALL!! Of course, Vernon knew this and began a little hissy fit about how this shouldn't have happened - his Boring and Normal System™ was working overdrive trying to comprehend something as un-boring and un-normal as this. And to top it off people were going around wearing funny cloaks. Yes, again you all heard (or read, whatever) correctly: PEOPLE WERE WEARING CLOAKS IN FUNNY COLOURS. And since this was also not boring and normal, Vernon's hissy fit became even more hissy and his poor little Boring and Normal System™ completely conked out. And just when it started to recover, Vernon went out to buy a bun and one of these people in funny cloaks actually, physically bumped into him. Of course, it would bump into Vernon, the person who was quite possibly the MOST freaked out (and of course, the one who was one of the characters in this plot) and not some complete random. But never mind. And the people in funny cloaks (who probably had an alliance with the owls (who have a conspiracy to dominate the planet, and Mars while they're at it) and want to vote us all off the island one by one, eventually merging and finally having one sole survivor slaps self across face again … too much Survivor …) and the funny cloak people were whispering about 'the Potters' cue scary music which made Vernon's Boring and Normal System™ faint again.

He thought this might have something to do with Petunia's sister, but then remembered that Petunia didn't HAVE a sister AT ALL so it's quite amazing that Vernon thought of that if his wife had never even MENTIONED a sibling EVER. So he decided to blame it on the owls. And the people in the funny cloaks. And the bun he was eating. Because the shop assistant had given him one with poppy-seeds and he DIDN'T WANT THE BLOODY POPPY-SEEDS. But that is irrelevant.

Anyway, later that night as Vernon and Petunia lay in bed, Vernon could not sleep because for some scary reason the name Potter had freaked him out a bit. Even though Petunia had never mentioned a sister EVER much less one with a name like Potter, Vernon had this little niggly feeling it had some connection. Then he realised the little niggly feeling was Baby Dudley whacking him one across the face, even though he couldn't possibly have walked into the bedroom because HE COULDN'T WALK YET, unless he can do teleportation. But I doubt that.

"Hey Dad," said Baby Dudley (who couldn't talk, by the way). "Do you reckon that just maybe Mum's been lying about not having a sister and in fact she does have one who turned out to be a witch and went to Hogwarts and met this other wizard bloke called James Potter and then they ran off and got married and had a son called Harry and last night this evil wizard went to blow them up and now they're dead but Harry survived and that's why everyone's talking about the Potters and wearing funny cloaks? Oh, and there's a guy out the window talking to that cat sitting on the driveway."

"What?" said Vernon (who was really confused).

"Do you reckon that just maybe Mum's been lying about not having a sister and in fact she does have one who turned out to be a witch and went to Hogwarts and met this other wizard bloke called James Potter and then they ran off and got married and had a son called Harry and last night this evil wizard went to blow them up and now they're dead but Harry survived and that's why everyone's talking about the Potters and wearing funny cloaks? Oh, and there's a guy out the window talking to that cat sitting on the driveway," said Baby Dudley.

Vernon sat deep in thought for about twenty minutes, before saying "Nah."

"Suit yourself," said Baby Dudley, who then danced his way out of the room while singing 'Beautiful'.

And then Vernon went to sleep.


	2. Of Psychotic Dogs and MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...

Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Pot Plant

_Disclaimer: The great JK Rowling owns all things Harry Potter, not me. Dammit. Hey, wouldn't it be cool to get a time machine, go forward in time and pick up copies of all seven books, then go back in time to before they were created and plagiarize them and claim all the money for yourself? But sadly, that will not happen. So I am relegated to writing bad parodies. Feel sorry for me._

**Of Psychotic Dogs and MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ing**

All was quiet on Privet Drive (except for the loud party at number six and Baby Dudley's heartfelt rendition of 'Crazy in Love') as a lone figure walked slowly up to number four. The figure's name was Albus Dumbledore (God forbid his mum would give him a normal name like 'Bill'. Actually, 'Dumbledore' takes too long to type, so from here on in, Dumbledore will be referred to as 'Mr. D'.) Mr. D was nearly at the driveway when he tripped over an abnormally large tree root. Then the cat sitting on number four's letterbox burst into maniacal laughter and fell off the letterbox. And one of the leaves fell off the pot plant. But that is irrelevant.

Mr. D picked himself up and limped regally over to the hyperactive cat and kicked it. It started crying.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" yelled Mr. D and he took out his wand and blasted the cat until it turned into Minerva McGonagall. (Again, great choice of name, Mum sarcastic smile and as McGonagall also takes too long to type, she will now be referred to as Mrs. M.)

Mrs. M looked at Mr. D and scrunched up her nose.

"Dumbledore," Mrs. M said. "There are all these parties around and I'M NOT INVITED!!"

"Who's Dumbledore?" asked Mr. D, curiously.

"YOU."

"Oh."

"ANYWAY, I'M A SOCIAL REJECT! NOBODY LIKES ME AND I HAVE NO FRIENDS!!"

"That might have something to do with the fact that you have been sitting on this letterbox all day hissing at the pedestrians."

"I have not been doing that! I sat on the driveway, too! Huh? Huh? See? See? MUAHAHA I am not completely boring!!! MUAHAHA!!"

Mr. D started backing away slowly as Mrs. M had her little MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fit, but then a motorbike fell out of the sky with a giant on it.

"HEY!" yelled Mr. D, "You can't say giant! You have to say 'vertically gifted'!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said.

"Anyway (MUAHAHA)," said Mrs. M. "Now we're all here, let's discuss this situation."

"HELLO?!" said the giant. "I am in this story, too! You gonna tell them my name? Huh? Huh? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH?"

"All you people reading this, the giant is called Voldemort," I sighed.

This made the giant and Mrs. M faint, while Mr. D looked at me and said sternly "Which page did you read to get that?"

"Uh …"

Oops. SORRY EVERYONE. "The giant is called Hermione," I said triumphantly.

"NOOOOOO!!" yelled Hermione. "ME HAGRID!! SAY IT AFTER ME 'HAG-RID'!!!!!"

"HAG-RID," chanted me, Mrs. M and Mr. D.

"YAY!!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"Shut up, pussy-bum," I said.

"Sorry," said Mr. D.

"So, what's the latest You-Know-Who goss?" said Mrs. M. "Did he end up hooking up with that Narcissa Black lady?"

Everyone groaned.

"You need to catch up, Mrs. M," sighed Hagrid (SEE I GOT IT RIGHT HAG-RID!!). "Narcissa Black married Lucius Malfoy. HELLO?!"

"And Voldemort met his downfall tonight," said Mr. D. "At the Potter's house in Godric's Hollow, Voldemort came. He murdered Lily and James."

"What?!" said Hagrid and started crying.

"Hagrid, you know that, you were just there!!" yelled Mr. D.

"Oh yeah!" said Hagrid, remembering.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Mrs. M. "THAT'S MY LINE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"Sorry," said Mr. D.

"Now, now, Mrs. M, we all need to learn how to share," I said. But everyone ignored me. And this pissed me off, so then a giant eagle flew down from the sky and blasted them all and now Mr. D was wearing a green, frilly, bikini with snakes on it, Mrs. M was wearing that dress Catherine Zeta-Jones wore when she sang 'All That Jazz' in Chicago, and Hagrid had a frizzy perm and was wearing a strapless pink mini-dress.

"HEY, AUTHOR!! Get me out of the friggin' mini-dress!" yelled Hagrid.

"Sorry, no can do," I said. "And you can't do anything about it, 'cause I'm sitting here typing what happens to you and YOU are just a little word on my screen and I can erase you with a press of the delete key."

"NO!" yelled Hagrid. "NEVER! Mr. D! Help me!! Her finger is poised over the key!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!"

But Mr. D was preoccupied by singing 'I'm too sexy for my Slytherin-inspired bikini'. So Hagrid sulked. In his mini-dress. And frizzy perm.

"ANYWAY," yelled Mrs. M, who read Mr. D's mind. "I'm going to finish saying what Mr. D was saying. SO yeah, yeah, the Potters are murdered, except for their little baby boy Harry."

"Why wasn't he killed?" asked Hagrid.

"Nobody knows …" whispered Mrs. M. "You-Know-Who tried to kill him … usually nobody survives when You-Know-Who tries to kill them …"

"No shit, Sherlock," said Hagrid.

"But I hear it was something to do with a slightly psychotic dog that happened to have a wand in his mouth and an author who just had two cans of Coke in the space of about five minutes." (A/N: HAPPY NOW, STEVÈ???)

"Wait a sec!" said Mr. D. "What about the prophecy? What am I supposed to tell him now? I can just imagine it – Hi, Harry, look you're alive today because a psychotic dog blasted Voldemort into the last chapters of this parody?! IT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT!!"

"There's a prophecy?" said Mrs. M.

"I WANT A PROPHECY!" sobbed Hagrid.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"SHUT UP, AUTHOR!"

"Sorry," I said, meekly (but planning revenge. OH SWEET REVENGE … muahaha).

"Uh, forget I said that," said Mr. D. "Anyway, Hagrid – have you got Harry?"

Hagrid nodded, and then pulled a dead rat out of one of the pockets of his mini-dress.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO HARRY??" yelled Mrs. M.

"I think it had something to do with a psychotic dog and a wand," said Hagrid.

Mr. D sighed, flicked his wand and turned Harry the dead rat into Harry the sleeping baby. He pulled an envelope out of his … erm … bikini … and left it and Harry on the doorstep of number four.

"So, you're just going to leave him there?" asked Hagrid incredulously.

Mr. D thought this over for a bit, then replied "Yep."

"OK," Hagrid said.

Then they all walked away and headed off to a party. And Baby Harry pooped his pants. And the pot plant developed legs and ran after Mr. D, Mrs. M and Hagrid yelling "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I WANT TO PAR-TAY, PEOPLE!!".

But that is irrelevant.


	3. Colours, Lubbles and Bumps

Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Pot Plant

_Disclaimer: GAH do I really have to write this? Because I an NOT JK Rowling. I DO NOT own any of her stuff. My alter ego does BWAHAHAHA hehe lame joke alert. Oh well, here comes the next lame chapter. However, it is amusing my friends and me (when I have caffeine coming out of my ears), so I am resigned to continue. What a hard life I do live (snort snort LLAMA). Oh, and I don't own the lyrics to 'This Old Hammer', either. Sorry if anyone wrote and/or likes that song, because I find it incredibly boring and pointless, and therefore, I am mocking it. EVERYBODY LAUGH. MUAHAHA. Oh, and 'We Are Family' either. Sheesh. _

Author's note: One of my friends features in this chapter. Hope you (and she) don't mind. I don't own my friend either. LOL. I just know her.

Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to Stevè-llama-child: the one who motivated me to drink more Coke and continue this parody.

**Colours, Lubbles and Bumps**

Ten years later, Harry Potter was like, totally living it up at the Dursleys. He thought he was hard-off because they treated him like total crap BUT really, he was very lucky to have a roof over his head and at least two meals a day. And a flushing toilet. (A/N: You never realise how much you need a flushing toilet until they deprive you of one ... can you say YEAR 9 CHALLENGE CAMP! GAH! THE PAIN! AND THE STINK! I'M MELTING! **MELTING, I SAY, MELTING!**) Ahem. Anyway, Harry Potter was very lucky as he had a flushing toilet. Moving on.

But his only two friends in the entire world were his rubber ducky and the irrelevant pot plant, but, sadly then they both left him. Harry sat on his flushing toilet, remembering the sad, sad day ...

_Flashback_

"So, whatcha wanna do today, pot plant?" said Harry.

Silence.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."

More silence.

And then Stevè-llama-child and a crowd of the author's other friends (who she will not name, as she doesn't know if they will appreciate being shoved into this random fic) appeared doing the conga/can-can and yelling:

"THIS OLD HAMMER KILLED JOHN HENRY. THIS OLD HAMMER KILLED JOHN HENRY. THIS OLD HAMMER KILLED JOHN HENRY. BUT WON'T KILL ME. **WON'T KILL ME.**"

And then the pot plant developed arms, legs and vocal cords and ran after them.

"Wait for me!" it yelled. "WE ARE FAMILY!"

And then the rubber duck followed yelling

"Squeak, squeak, long squeak, short squeak, squeeeeak!"

Which roughly translates to "All fear the naughty little blue dog of DOOM and then bring me a cheeseburger with everything MUAHAHAHA."

_End Flashback_

But that is irrelevant.

So Harry was all alone. ALONE. So he sat. Alone. And cried. In the dark. On the flushing toilet. And saw this fic.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Why is the chapter called 'Colours, Lubbles and Bumps?"

"Because," I said triumphantly. "It is the name of the experiment some people did in science. And it sounds cooler than 'Study of Gases' or 'Chemical Analysis' or even 'Percentage Composition', but it IS a tough call."

So Harry rolled his eyes and made a mental note to take away the author's entire supply of Coke. Forever.

"I HEARD THAT," I yelled.

And Harry just sat there, thinking of his evil plan. Muahaha. And because the author got pissed off that Harry was ignoring her, Harry immediately came down with a rare disease that causes one to have the words 'I have hairy pimples on my back' printed on one's forehead and gives one the uncontrollable desire to yell out completely random words from time to time.

"Bob the super-macro-organism," said Harry.

"Eh?" said Dudley, who was walking past. "You're supposed to be making breakfast for my birthday, not talking about super-macro-organisms."

So Harry got up, and went to cook bacon. Vernon and Petunia sat there watching. What incredibly interesting lives they lead ... yawn. Honestly, one would think one had better things to do on a Saturday morning than watch a ten-year-old boy cook bacon. But, oh well.

"Gosling," said Harry.

Vernon and Petunia started backing away slowly.

"Eucalypt," said Harry.

Vernon and Petunia exchanged worried looks and backed away faster.

"MITTEN!" yelled Harry and ran around the room.

Dudley came in and ate all the bacon. And laughed. Oh, how he laughed. It was amusing.

Then Vernon stood up, grabbed Harry by the hair and held him up (where he kept making running motions), sighed, then turned to the rest of the human specimens.

"Since today is Dudder's birthday, we are all going to the zoo to see the animals. Dudder's friends, Piers Polkiss is coming, too."

Dudley cheered and stared at the massive pile of presents. But then the doorbell rang and Dudley ran outside, grabbed the door-to-door salesman and jumped in the car. Then he realised that the door-to-door salesman was, in fact, not Piers. So he cried. The door-to-door salesman, not Dudley. And then he jumped out of the car and ran away crying. And Dudley sulked. Alone. MUAHA. But then Piers came :all groan:. So the whole family piled into the car and drove to the zoo.

At the zoo, Dudley ate two big chocolate icecreams, three hot dogs, a large serve of French fries and a random lolly he found on the ground. And then he threw up. Harry ate a lemon. A little lemon. Because for some unknown reason someone was selling lemons. Don't ask.

They were in the reptile house when IT happened. :cue scary music:

"Grapefruit," said Harry.

Everyone rolled their eyes. And then Harry saw it the POT PLANT! It was poking, oh yes, it was poking the cages and maniacally laughing. It was also amusing. Harry got all teary-eyed and ran to it, but then it just developed a hand and a face and vocal chords and said ...

"Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it."

So Harry sat down and cried. But that is irrelevant.

"Library!" he sobbed, before giving the author an angry look. "PLEASE take this bloody curse off me! Everybody's looking at me like I'm retarded."

So the author took the curse off ... partially. Muahahaha.

And then the second IT happened: Dudley saw the snake. :cue slightly less scary music: He started whacking the glass, trying to make the snake move, but it didn't. So he sat down and sulked. ALONE. And then the snake saw Harry.

"God, you're a loser," said the snake. "Who has 'I have hairy pimples on my back' tattooed on their forehead?"

Harry growled and was about to blast the snake into next century, when he remembered he couldn't. So he scrunched up his nose. Ooooh, scary!

And then the glass disappeared. And Dudley took a great flying leap and landed in the water. And cried. Alone.

And then the pot plant did a striptease. But that is irrelevant, and everybody was looking at Harry, anyway. And laughing. OH, HOW THEY WERE LAUGHING!

And then the snake slithered out of the enclosure and did a striptease, too. And it considered crushing Harry, but then decided it wasn't worth the bother, so he slithered away. And then an escaped rhinocerous ate him. RIP snake. MUAHAHA.

So Vernon picked up Harry and Dudley and left Piers at the zoo and took them home. He got Dudley some really nice computer game. And he gave Harry another lemon, which he then picked up and ran arround Privet Drive with, screaming "LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON!"

And then Vernon told him to shut up.


End file.
